


Say "Baby, I love you"

by helbon



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex is a mess, But when isn't he, Clubbing, Complicated Relationships, Dancing, Drinking, Established Relationship, Feelings, Implied Sexual Content, Jamilton - Freeform, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Smut, Multi, Sleepy Kisses, it's right there - Freeform, mullette, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 19:51:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12019788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helbon/pseuds/helbon
Summary: He could forget about Thomas, forget about this whole evening. He could go home and get into bed and just ignore the feelings that were tight in his chest, threatening to choke him every time he bumped into Thomas at work, or when he saw his name flash up on his phone. He could just move on with his life. He could be happy. He would be happy. But he wouldn’t have Thomas.





	Say "Baby, I love you"

“Kiss me, Thomas.”

“I thought we weren’t doing this anymore. _You_ said we couldn’t do this anymore.” Thomas kept his distance, his arms folded across his chest.

“I know what I said!” Alex snapped. He sighed as he leaned back against the alley wall and closed his eyes. “I know what I said. But it’s just so hard Thomas. Every time you’re near me, I lose all sense of self-control. I forget who I am, everything I believe in. I hate what you do to me. But I need you, Thomas.”

Thomas felt himself physically relax. He understood what Alex was saying to be true. No matter how much he wanted to resist the irritating little man, he never could. Alex was like a drug to him and no matter how many times he’d tried to cut himself off he always seemed to find himself back in this exact situation.

“Alex,” Thomas said in a half-whisper as he stepped forward, gently taking the other mans face in his hands, forcing him to look in his eyes. “You know you could have me in a heartbeat. You know this. I’ve told you this a thousand times. The ball is entirely in your court. You know what you have to do.”

“And you know why I can’t do it. Things aren’t that simple Thomas.” Alex brought his hands to Thomas’ waist and slipped his thumbs up under his shirt, gently caressing the warm skin there. “Please, just… can we just not talk about this right now? We can soon just, not right now.” Alex tilted his head down so he was looking up at Thomas through his lashes; a dirty trick, even he would admit.

Thomas leaned in close. “Anything for you, my love.” Alex closed the remaining distance between them, gently bumping his lips against the taller mans, parted just slightly, soft and sweet. That was all the invitation Thomas needed. He pushed his body up against Alex’s, holding him close as they moved their mouths together, each man desperately trying to take control of the kiss. Alex relented slightly, parting his lips just enough for Thomas to dart his tongue inside. Thomas moaned, satisfied to find the wet heat he had been craving.

Thomas moved his hands higher, threading his fingers into Alex’s hair. He closed his hands into fists, tugging the strands in the way he knew Alex loved. His actions were rewarded as his lover let out a groan that was positively sinful. Thomas giggled into the kiss, his laughter cut short as Alex moved his hands from Thomas’ waist, around to firmly grab his ass. Thomas’s breath hitched as he felt his hips jolt forward, his fully hard cock pushing against Alex’s through their jeans.

It was suddenly both too much, and not enough for Alex. He pulled out of the kiss. “Can we go back to yours? I could really do with not getting caught with your cock in my mouth down an alley way, and I would really like to have your cock in my mouth.” He flashed a smirk up at Thomas and licked his lips, swollen and tender from the kiss. Thomas places one last gentle kiss there before pulling away from Alex altogether.

“I’ll go get my car and meet you down the street. You need to go back in and tell Lafayette and Hercules that you’re leaving. They won’t notice my absence but it’ll look really odd if you leave without saying goodbye.” Without waiting for a reply, Thomas turned and walked out of the alley, disappearing into the night.

Alex took a second to compose himself; he straightened his collar and did his best to flatten down his hair. He prized open the fire exit door, kicking aside the stone he had placed there to stop it completely closing, and re-entered the dark club.

The smell of alcohol smashed into Alex like a freight train. He pushed forward through the throngs of people, a mass of sweaty, drunk bodies rubbing up against each other. He was careful not to draw unwanted attention to himself as he made his way deeper into the crowd, searching for his friends. Alex was close to giving up, cursing his short stature, when he felt firm hands on his shoulders, spinning him around.

“Dude, where have you been? Laf and I were dancing on the podium and totally lost sight of you.” Hercules shouted into Alex’s ear, straining to be heard over the music. Having let go of Alex, Hercules reached back into the crowd and pulled Lafayette forward, who had got stuck when two girls had decided to use him as their own personal stripper pole. 

“Thank you, mon amour. For a moment there, I must say I feared for my innocence.” Lafayette smiled easily as he draped himself over his boyfriend. He turned his face to Alex. “And you, mon petit lion, we have been so worried!”

Alex shrugged, “I’m a grown ass man guys, I can look after myself.”

“Ah mon petit, it is not _you_ we worry for, but for the safety of the other patrons. It does not take much for you to start a fight. We are just looking out for the good of mankind.” Lafayette corrected. Hercules chuckled, pulling the French man tight against him.

“We’re going to get another drink, are you coming?” Hercules asked, gesturing with his empty beer bottle as if to make a point.

Alex looked down at his shoes. He hated lying to his friends but he knew he would have to if he wanted to get out of here without too much trouble. “Actually guys, I’m feeling kind of funny. I think I may have had too much to drink already.” As a matter of fact, Alex had only had the one neat whiskey; Dutch courage, he’d convinced himself. “I think I’m gonna head out. I wasn’t planning on it being too late a night anyway.”

“Do you want us to come with you?” Hercules asked, his face filling with concern. Alex smiled – Hercules was such a mother hen.

“No guys it’s fine, honestly. You stay and have fun. I’ll text you in the morning.” With one last smile and a small wave, Alex turned to leave his friends, before a hand on his wrist stopped him.

He turned back and was met with Lafayette’s unflinching gaze. Lafayette loosened the grip he had on Alex’s wrist and brought his hand up to gently hold Alex’s chin, his thumb coming up to rub softly along his bottom lip. Alex held his breath, holding eye contact without blinking.

Lafayette let out a sigh, dropping both his hand and his gaze away from Alex’s face. He looked disappointed.

“Just be safe, Alexander.” And with that, Lafayette took Hercules’s hand in his and pulled him away to the bar.

Alex stood there for a moment longer. It was obvious that Lafayette knew what Alex was doing, if not with who. He started walking towards the exit, pushing back through the crowd of people. He knew that he was going to have to make a choice, and soon.

He could forget about Thomas, forget about this whole evening. He could go home and get into bed and just ignore the feelings that were tight in his chest, threatening to choke him every time he bumped into Thomas at work, or when he saw his name flash up on his phone. He could just move on with his life. He could be happy. He _would_ be happy. But he wouldn’t have Thomas.

He reached the exit and stepped out into the cold night air. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Turning right, he started heading down the street.

Or, he thought to himself, he could take this chance with Thomas. He’d be throwing away everything he had, everything he’d worked so hard to get. He would probably lose all his friends in the process. Hell, no one would ever respect him again if they knew what he and Thomas had been doing. But, what if this thing with Thomas turned out to be the best thing that had ever happened to him? Could he really risk missing out on that?

As Alex made it to the end of the street, he looked around until he saw Thomas leaning against the door of his car. His face was illuminated by the screen from his phone as he looked down at it, idly scrolling through to kill time. He looked stunning, as he always does, and it made Alex melt _._ Alex jogged over to him, the noise from his heavy footsteps causing Thomas to look up in his direction, smiling when they made eye contact.

Alex felt his heart beat in his chest. All long-term planning aside, he knew that in that moment, he was lost. For tonight at least, he was Thomas’, and Thomas in return was his entire world.

“Are you sure about this?” Thomas asked as the smaller man slowed to stop in front of him. He reached out and grabbed Alex gently by the wrists and pulled him into him, wrapping his arms around him in a warm embrace. He placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I mean, I know you suggested it but I also know the situation. If you want to back out, I’ll understand. No hard feelings.” Alex wrapped his arms around Thomas’ waist and gently rubbed his back. He nuzzled into Thomas’ neck, breathing in his scent.

“I’m sure. You know I can’t make any promises about what happens after tonight but for now, you’re all I want.” He tilted his face up and stood slightly on tip toe so he could place a single chaste kiss to Thomas’ lips. “Come on, let’s go.”

Thomas opened the door for Alex, letting him into the passenger seat before going around to the driver's side and getting in himself. Without wasting any more time, Thomas started the car and with one last look over at Alex, drove off in the direction of home.

***

Several hours later, Alex turned his key in the lock of his own front door. He stepped across the threshold and let the door click gently closed behind him. After kicking his shoes off, he headed straight for the bathroom to shower.

Alex turned the water to just the wrong side of too hot before stepping in, enjoying the way it hurt slightly. He let the spray run all over him as he grabbed his shower gel and loofah, pouring out a good amount of soap so as to overpower the smell of sex that clung to his skin. He scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed, desperate to erase the memory of Thomas’ touch – his hands, his lips, his tongue. He reached back and washed between his ass cheeks, being careful to not irritate his puckered hole, and continued down the inside of his thighs where Thomas’ cum had leaked out of him and dried.

After washing his hair quickly, to untangle the strands that had been knotted together by Thomas’ desperate hands, Alex switched the water off and stepped out. Throwing a towel over his shoulders, he stood in front of the mirror, wiping away the condensation to look at his reflection.

“You’re a fucking piece of shit Hamilton, you know that don’t you? A real nasty piece of shit.” He stared into his own eyes as if challenging his reflection to reply. Of course, it didn’t. It just stared back at him with a face full of loathing.

Alex sighed and turned away. He couldn’t bear to look at himself anymore. Though he’d be lying if he said he regretted what he’d done, he couldn’t deny that he hated himself for it.

He got dried quickly and stepped into a clean pair of boxes, throwing his still wet hair up into a bun. After a quick detour to the kitchen for a glass of water, he found his way to his bedroom and climbed into bed.

For a moment, he stared up at the ceiling, trying to empty his mind, before there was movement beside him.

“Alex? What time is it?”

“Shush baby, it’s really early still. Go back to sleep.” Alex whispered.

John rolled over to face Alex and nuzzled up against him. Alex chuckled and lifted his arm up so John could snuggle in close. John rested his head on Alex’s chest and threw his outer arm over Alex’s stomach, giving him a gentle squeeze. Alex dropped a kiss onto his boyfriends head and bought his other free hand around to play with his curls. “How are you feeling?” Alex asked.

“Still sick, but my migraine has eased up considerably.” John punctuated his sentence with a yawn. “Did you have a nice time with Laf and Herc?”

“I sure did baby. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. Now go back to sleep. If you’re feeling better in the morning we’ll go out for pancakes, how about that?” John gave one last wiggle to get comfortable and kissed Alex’s chest.

“Sounds like a plan,” John muttered, seconds before drifting back to sleep, snoring softly. Alex smiled down at John, warmth filling his chest. The love Alex felt for John was so strong it often felt like he was drowning in it. With John, Alex could conquer the world; _nobody_ could stand in their way. As Alex lay there, he knew that he would rather die than lose his sweet, beautiful John.

Alex swallowed hard as he remembered the feeling of Thomas looming over him, his breath hot on his skin as he had fucked into him. He felt the shame that always managed to creep up on him in quiet moments like this, as he held John in his arms. Why did he keep doing this? Constantly risking his entire life with John for… what? Sex?

That was the problem. Alex knew it wasn’t about sex. Sure, the sex was great, _fantastic_ even, but there was more to it than that. Somewhere along the line, Alex had fallen for Thomas. That was why it was so hard to cut Thomas out. In the same way that he felt sick at the thought of John finding out and leaving him, the thought of losing Thomas made him want to vomit.

Alex wrapped his arms around John and sighed, closing his eyes. As his mind settled to rest, he thought of John, and of Thomas.

Alex was in love with two different men. And he knew that ultimately, his actions were going to destroy them all.  

**Author's Note:**

> *mic drop*
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! I have never written a fanfic before, this was super fun though so I may make this in to a thing. Please let me know what you think, I love the feedbacks.


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